Aug 30, 2011

Leave Letter

It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. ..........
Just Read It.
The Leave Applications,
· An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

· Another Example: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

· Another gem .. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

· From some Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

· Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

!!!!!!!!!!! One of the best IT interviews!!!

IT 4 INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY........!!!!!!!!!!!

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication
engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had
never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an
admission into it ..
What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in
12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college.
But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not
invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I
will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete
your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But
you know, these cricket matches and football
world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate.
So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took
4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I
will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good,
thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think
they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be
banned.

Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never
thought I would complete it. In fact, when i
flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus
corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower'
education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms
have you worked?

Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my
current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have
experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet
in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a
higher version than VB. I heard very soon they
are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of th! e
times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd.
Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining
BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know
Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to
dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And
very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality' ,'versioncontrol ','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not
have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear
t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so
as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer
US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is Olympics coming up in
China in the current year, I don't mind
going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don't
have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. U r selected..

Rajni Jokes

No offense to superstar rajnikanth fans.
Read this and enjoy!!!

1. Rajinikanth killed the Dead Sea.
2. When Rajinikanth does push-ups, he isn't lifting himself up. He is pushing the earth down.
3. There is no such thing as evolution, it's just a list of creatures that Rajinikanth allowed to live.
4. Rajinikanth gave Mona Lisa that smile.
5 .Rajnikanth can divide by zero.
6. Rajinikanth can judge a book by it's cover.
7. Rajinikanth can drown a fish.
8. Rajinikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.
9. Rajinikanth once got into a fight with a VCR player. Now it plays DVDs.
10. Rajinikanth can slam a revolving door.
11. Rajinikanth once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are today called giraffes.
12. Rajinikanth once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's, and got it.
13. Rajinikanth can win at Solitaire with only 18 cards.
14. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajinikanth kicked one of the corners off.
15. Rajinikanth can build a snowman out of rain.
16. Rajinikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
17. Rajinikanth can make onions cry.
18. Rajinikanth destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
19. Rajinikanth can watch the show 60 minutes in 20 minutes.
20. Rajinikanth has counted to infinity, twice.
21. Rajinikanth will attain separate statehood in 2013.
22. Rajinikanth did in fact, build Rome in a day.
23. Rajinikanth once got into a knife-fight. The knife lost.
24. Rajinikanth can play the violin with a piano.
25. Rajinikanth never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself in fear.
26. The only man who ever outsmarted Rajinikanth was Stephen Hawking, and he got what he deserved.
27. Rajinikanth can talk about Fight Club.
28. Rajinikanth doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
29. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Rajinikanth lives in Chennai.
30. Rajinikanth kills Harry Potter in the eighth book.
31. Rajinikanth does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
32. Rajinikanth has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
33. Rajinikanth doesn't move at the speed of light. Light moves at the speed of Rajinikanth.
34. Rajinikanth knows Victoria's secret.
35. Water boils faster when Rajinikanth stares at it.
36. Rajinikanth can throw the Thackerays out of Mumbai.
37. Rajinikanth kills two stones with one bird.
38. Google won't find Rajinikanth because you don't find Rajinikanth; Rajinikanth finds you.
39. Rajinikanth gave the Joker those scars.
40. Rajinikanth leaves messages before the beep.
41. Rajinikanth once warned a young girl to be good "or else". The result? Mother Teresa.
42. Rajinikant electrocuted Iron Man.
43. Rajinikanth killed Spiderman using Baygon Anti Bug Spray.
44. Rajinikanth can make PCs better than the Mac.
45. Rajinikanth puts the 'laughter' in manslaughter.
46. Rajinikanth goes to court and sentences the judge.
47. Rajinikanth can handle the truth.
48. Rajinikanth can speak Braille.
49. Rajinikanth can dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks.
50. Rajinikanth can teach an old dog new tricks.
51. Rajinikanth calls Voldemort by his name.
52. Who do you think taught Voldemort Parseltongue? Rajinikanth did.
53. Chuck Norris once met Rajinikanth. The result - He was reduced to a joke on the internet.
54. Rajinikanth got small pox when he was a kid. As a result small pox is now eradicated.
55. Rajinikanth’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
56. Rajinikanth grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
57. The last time Rajinikanth killed someone, he slapped himself to do it. The other guy just disintegrated Resonance.
58. Rajinikanth once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
59. Rajinikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
60. Rajinikanth can run at speed of light around a tree and screw himself.
61.Rajinikant can lick his elbows.
62. Rajinikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
63. Rajinikant does not get frostbite. Rajnikant bites frost.
64. Rajinikant doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
65. Rajinikant got his drivers license at the age of 16 seconds.
66. When you say “no one is perfect”, Rajinikant takes this as a personal insult.
67. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajinikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
68. Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1949. That was the year Rajinikanth was born.
69. The statement "nobody can cheat death", is a personal insult to Rajnikanth. Rajni cheats and fools death everyday.
70. When Rajnikanth is asked to kill some one he doesn't know, he shoots the bullet and directs it the day he finds out.
71. Rajinikant can give pain to Painkillers and headache to Anacin.
72. Rajinikanth knows what women really want.
73. Time and tide wait for Rajinikanth.
74. Rajinikanth sneezed only once in his entire life, that's when the tsunami occurred in the Indian ocean.
75. As a child when Rajinikanth had dyslexia, he simply re-scripted the alphabet.
76. Rajinikanth collects Honey from his private Moon - HoneyMoon.
77. Rajinikanth can answer a missed call.
78. Rajinikanth doesn't need a visa to travel abroad, he just jumps from the tallest building in Chennai and holds himself in the air while the earth rotates.
79. Rajinikanth's brain works faster than Chacha Chaudhury's.
80. Rajinikanth doesn't shower. He only takes blood baths.
81. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Rajinikanth.
82. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Rajinikanth's fist.
83. Where there is a will, there is a way. Where there is Rajinikanth, there is no other way.
84. Rajinikanth's every step creates a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of a morning jog.
85. Rajinikant doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint out of fear.
86. Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Rajinikant”.
87. There is no such thing as global warming. Rajinikanth was feeling cold, so brought the sun closer to heat the earth up.
88. Once a cobra bit Rajinikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
89. Rajinikanth is a champion in the game "Hide n' seek", as no one can hide from Rajinikanth.
90. Rajinikant proves Newton wrong all the time. Every time he performs an action, he simply eliminates anything and everything that can provide the reaction.
91. Rajinikant is a weapon created by God to use on doomsday to end the world.
92. Aliens do indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Rajinikanth is on.
93. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Rajinikanth.
94. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Rajinikanth.
95. Rajinikanth's first job was as a bus conductor. There were no survivors.
96. Rajinikanth does not style his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
97. When Rajinikanth plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
98. Rajinikanth is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
99. Rajinikanth's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

A software engineer calls his friend

Hello,
plss.. talk to me... y u r not picking up the call ?????"

Friend: "everything is alright?"

"wat alright.. noting is alright.. see the time.. its 11pm.. n I m
coming now from office..no food for me today also.. now I will cook...
From the past 3 days. I m eating only maggie... n my PM eating only
me. see the price hikes, everything is 2/- more frm yesterday.. except
my salary...I think the begger in front of my office.. earns more than
me.. wat shud I do..."

"wat happened.. wat r u talking"

"wat I m talking???? no, I m not talking.. Manager dont allow anyone to
talk except the client.. who always talks something.. from past 3 months
I didnt take any leave..now from 3 weeks.. I m just begging for one dam
leave.. n wat response i got....'why u want to waste an important day of
ur life??'

i now finalize one more time... yes..i m gonna quit.. this project...
but, i cant. no, i can.. but i wont..uh..."

"ok.. now Relax..."

"How can i relax... for relaxation ppl do yoga, but its night so i cant,
then else they watch movies... but see, in every channel all bogus
movies r repeating, same.. 'Welcome', 'Suryavansham',Govinda's movies...
it really irritates... everyone is faking in TV, fake news, fake
stories, fake swaynwars, fake reality...ah see the movies u will get to
know... In "Rock-on" last scene... Arjun Rampal's wife says to taxi
driver, that "hurry up, we r going late for Airport..." Airport...??? I
dont understand, how can thought he find a job in Cruze.. not
Airlines..

In 3 Idiots... starting scene... Madhvan does the drama to leave his
flight, then what happened to his luggage??
In same movie... Kareena is a doctor.. that too a surgeon.. to bcame a
surgeon.. It requires atlest 5[MBBS]+3[MS] years..
so she shud be 28... n Aamir as a student.. only 18 or 20 ?? then after
10 years they decide to marry.. means she is 38 ??

"hey stop it now.."

"am I a train who will stop it, by pulling chain... ohh train.. I dont
understand, how can I didnt see one in last 3 months... how will i see
?
All the time monitor is in front of me.. in night also wen I open my
eyes, I find my username and password window..
I need to cool down..

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

but someone tell me howw.. everytime there is a powercut here..
except wen i m not in home.. home, wat rubbish,its a dam single room..
where i m living alone with my pillow..

I also want girlfriend yaar, like my rivals have..
smita, rashmi, priti, sruti, madhu.. anyone frm my odc is ok, but they
all r engaged, u know y ?
Bcoz their boyfriends do not work in IT companies, outside girls do have
chat wid me but only on my salary day..
I got rejected 31 times.. u know y ?? each time I propose them, they ask
where do u live..
I say in my Cubicle.. Bcoz thats the only place u can find my soul all
the time.."

"hey man, u better take rest, we will talk in Morning"

" Morning.. are u talking the same morning.. Sun rises, bird flies,
omlette fries, employee cries... dam , i didnt see the Sun,from 3
years.. how it looks like... every morning I catching shuttle, reaching
my birthplace 'cubicle' working n working n leaving when Sun uncle is
not there... i will hit my room-owner some days, every morning he used
to cry for increasing room rent, I will always tell him to go n meet my
Manager... I dont understnd how can i be so nice to my colleagues..
Each time they want leave, they repeat the same old dialogue... "my
sister's marriage".. my colleague's 9 sisters got married,
3 times grandpa expired,
5 times frnd went to ICU.. but my colleague is fine..
and his favorite dialog "i need to drop a frnd to hospital, as he is not
feeling well" later i find movie tickets in his purse... then my pm's
motivational speech.. 'u will work.. u will grow'.. means if i wont
work.. i will shrink or what...

when I need hike, I m junior.. still need to grow.. when I do mistakes..
comon man u r senior now, u can not do mistakes.. ahhh God gimme some
power to understand the greatness of a super natural person known as PM
in this world.."

"ok enough now, i m disconnecting"

"wait.. i called you.. n u r disconnecting.. u know previously i was
normal, when i was in college, i used to talk continuosly watever i
want, now i m talking only this much... 'yaa its done', 'that work is
completed', 'Please..', 'Good Morning','Lunch','Tea','Snacks?'..

I dont know wat i m talking abt, i shud b happy.. i have saturday n
sunday..
Saturday to recover from the disaster been made from monday to friday..
Sunday to think about upcoming disaster from monday to friday.. cool
naa..

you heard that in 2012 earth will end.. then also my ODC and my cubicle
will remain as it is.. u know why ??
because that's not a part of earth.. n we employees are not human
beings... we are aliens, so better before u start getting headache... go
have a nice dream.. me, I will again start my day tomorrow like I m
starting everyday..
good night..."

beeeeeeeeep...beeeeeeeeeep...b?eeeeeeeeeep
******************************?****************************

Next Day, in office:-

Manager: "Dude, Please come here"

"Yes sir.....!!"

M: "I approved your leaves.. i think you should go and have some fun"

I happily came out, and checked my phone Dialled calls..

"Ohhh my God, yesterday I called my Project Manager instead of my friend...
shiiiiittt

Brilliant answers by student who got 0%

Q.In which battle did Tipu Sultan die?
A.His last battle!

...Q.How do u stop acid indigestion?
A.Stop drinking acid!

Q.Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A.At the bottom of the page!

Q.What's the main reason for divorce?
A.Marriage!

Q Ganga flows in which state?
A.Liquid state!

Q.When was Mahatma ghandi born?
A.On his birthday!

Q.How will u distribute 8 mangoes amoungst 6 people?
A.By preparing mango shake..

Aug 28, 2011

How to make the most out of your monte browser.

Not happy with your browser??

WELL WAS NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY MY BROWSER FUNCTIONED SO I DECIDED TO DO SOME TWEAKING!!!

first i typed *#7092463*#
went in to module settings
then BROWSER
THEN UAgent
since I’m using xeje1
my uagent is
SAMSUNG-GT-S5620/S5620XEJE1 SHP/VPP/R5 DOLFIN/1.5 Nextreaming SMM-MMS/1.2.0 profile/MIDP-2.1 configuration/CLDC-1.1

i replaced it with the following:

SAMSUNG-GT-S8500/S8500XEJE1 SHP/VPP/R5 Dolfin/2.0 Nextreaming SMM-MMS/1.2.0 profile/MIDP-2.1 configuration/CLDC-1.1

then edit uaprof url from
the one on the phone to

http://wap.samsungmobile.com/uaprof/GT-S8500_2G.rdf ---- for UAPROF URL 2G

AND

http://wap.samsungmobile.com/uaprof/GT-S8500_3G.rdf------- for UAPROF URL 3G

and then REBOOT..
Ul see the difference!!!
This tweak make the website think that you are not using a monte but a samsung galaxy to view the website!!!So it offers you a better experience!!!!

Calibrate monte's touchscreen??

Has your monte recently lost touch?? as in you touch somewhere and the phone registers touch somewhere else?? or rather you want a more accurate touch??
Then do this..

1) Dial *#877#
2) Tap exactly in the center of the cross..the accurate,the better..
it will look something like dis..This is not monte's screen..its only for how it should look..

3) If you are very accurate,u will get a green indication or it will give a red indication.
4) The cross moves to all the corners..Tap the center
5) Now wen its done, just restart the phone and enjoy better touch and a more accurate one..

Aug 15, 2011

java error(not enough memory available)

Once the game is installed and says "java error: not enough memory available".
On your keypad, punch in: *#7092463*# Internals Menu will appear.
Go to fifth menu 5 DB management then "5 Update DB".
Then punch in "1 JAVA".
It will update the database for your JAVA applications.

This error will always occur on apps and games with large file size. But updating your database every after installation will do the trick. Exit then try re-running the game. Hope this helps.

Aug 11, 2011

How to minimize apps without losing the connection to the Internet [mini guide]

Perhaps some of you are upset that when minimize the application using the Internet to connect you to break. If someone uses the wifi is no problem. Worse than anyone has bought the package, then (for most operators) if disconnected from netem figures rounded to 100kB.
So what to do to not worry about minimizing the connection was kept? (To EDGE/3G icon was further red)

1.enter the Internal menu * # 7092463 * #
2.enter the Module Settings> Java> VM setting> VM end user key option
3.Select "Hide Only"
4.Go back and click "Save"
5.The phone restarts

Unfortunately, there is a "but." After this operation, you can not change it (anyway this is unnecessary for us Smile

)
Now the application will only be hidden and not stopping.
And one more thing: I do not advise to change anything in the other options in the VM settings, because they could not run any applications.